“Break Me into Pieces”

SATURDAY, 08 March 2014

Today marks the anniversary (if one could call it that) of something that happened to me (and my family) in 2013.

The experience rendered so much hurt and broke me so emotionally that it compromised my ability to be a mother to my children for nearly three months. It took me three months after that to stop wishing that I simply didn’t exist, and the following three months to pull myself partially back together and to re-learn how not to fall apart every single time I think one of my children injured himself or herself.

I returned to my old haunt and hobby of writing (that I had to give up in 2007) to help cope with the pain and the anguish, to allow myself escape for just a few moments when time allowed…

… and that was where Closet Souls Chronicles came from. In the darkest hours of the darkest nights, Callie Luo, Ash Campbell, Trent Warwick with trusty Walnut, and Chase Montgomery kept me company and the darkness at bay. As the days passed, others emerged to join me.

As 2013 drew to an end, my husband told me it was time I write this memoir, if not for myself, then for others who have been through it, might one day go through it (I pray that will never be the case), and for those playing roles of a support group – give them something to understand.

And maybe… just maybe… I can start healing. For nine months I attacked my husband in my sleep while fighting mental demons trying to take my children away from me. I wake up in the mornings racked with the guilt of finding bruises on the one person I love more than life itself, knowing that I put them there.

My husband said I was suffering from PTSD.

I don’t know how long it’ll take me to heal, or if I will ever heal completely. All I want is for the nightmares to go away, if not totally, then once-in-a-while is manageable.

Maybe by this time next year, I can look back and not break down in tears.

At first I thought I’ll write it into a short story with original characters – my natural tendency to hide and blend realism with fiction so no one knows the true story. Six failed starts later, I finally caved and decided I will have to go the route of writing this as a memoir.

Gods have mercy. I’ve never written one of those before.

So here it is. These are the most difficult multi-thousand words I’ve ever had to write in my life at this point. While the beginning was wrought with a lot of emotional pain (and rivers of tears), the words came easier as I neared the end. I was surprised to find that the weight did ease a little bit. Only time will tell if I’m headed in the right direction.

I need to believe in myself again… as a person, as a wife, and most importantly, as a mother.

Even I don’t often choose to find myself in the nadir of someone else’s living nightmare. If you choose to press on and click the link to read and/or pass it on, drop me a note so I can thank you. You can leave comments in the boxes at the bottom of every page or find me at these locations:

  • Google Mail — lav.wynter@gmail.com
  • Skype — lavender.wynter (registered with the email above)
  • Goodreads // Facebook // Tumblr (NSFW)

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Summary:

Parenting crosses paths with CP&P (Child Protection and Permanency), formerly known as DYFS (Department of Youth and Family Services) in the state of New Jersey, or DCF (Department of Children and Families) in other states.

Disclaimer:

Copyright © 2014 by Lavender Wynter. This does not in any way (1) claim to act as legal advice, (2) suggests one should follow what the writer had chosen to do, and (3) debunk the importance of what DFS/DYFS is trying to achieve – and that is to protect children who are truly in abusive environments. Investigators can make mistakes, and DCF, in erring on the side of caution (for the children), will cause toes to be stepped on, accusations to be leveled, and irreparable damages to be done to the emotional stability of a family. This is my story.

Writer’s Note:

Please note that the scenarios here are only applicable personally to me, Lavender Wynter. If you, or someone else, are reading this for advice, please research the specifics for your place of residency and contact a local attorney for any legal consultation.

This is by far the most challenging thing I’ve ever written for public viewing. While the memories aren’t quite so raw anymore, the experience was brutally hurtful enough that I still cry. I share this story to tell those of you who have been through this or may be going through this: You are not alone. Persevere if you have done nothing wrong according to the letter of the law. It’s the only thing we can do as parents when our own are at risk of being taken from a place that shelters and protects, nourishes and loves them for everything that they are, that they are not, and that they will grow to be.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Break Me into Pieces”

Copyright © 2014 by Lavender Wynter

Chapter 1 : ± 8,600 words

Chapter 2 : ± 12,300 words

Chapter 3 : ± 9,000 words

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