Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Or something like that… 🙂

*walks into a faceful of cobweb*

*frantically flails arms to clear head space and face* Ah! Blegh!

*sees all the other cobwebs*

Why, hello there.

It certainly looks like I’ve been gone a wee bit too long, yet I don’t see it ending any time soon.

I just stumbled onto the phase of my writing where my brain’s screaming and my fingers absolutely refuse to write another word on the story, which then just makes my brain throw hissy fits. I figured I’ll shove that particular story voice into a nice, big, dark closet for a bit of a time-out before it escalates any further and come dust in here a little bit…

Figured I’ll ponder a few things while I’m at it. I just hadn’t expected this much dust. *squeak-sneezes*

*snags some tissue*

*draws a deep breath*

*sneezes again* Okay, no deep breaths. Not without a mask.

First things first: DAD.

My last post mentioned my father being in the hospital, and he was for a couple of days. During those couple days and for a few more days after that, I suffered too many panic attacks to function properly. I think I actually made myself sick(er) there for a bit, slept something like 36 hours, and then got back up to continue with this thing called ‘life’ – the four-letter word that has a tendency to screw one over more than the word “fuck.” How’s that for a kicker in the guts? 🙂

All I can pass onto you are my father’s words, “Don’t worry. It’s nothing. I’m all right.”

Bitworks will be the first one to tell you this: “Asking this woman not to worry is the equivalent of asking her to stop breathing. If she actually had a middle name, it would be worry. Actually, no, her first middle name would be ‘Stress’ followed by her second middle name ‘Worry.’ She doesn’t know how not to do that despite all the effort she’s put into trying to learn how not to.”

So, according to him, my name would sound something like this: Lavender Stress Worry Wynter.

I don’t know. I kinda like the ring of it. Need one of those random letters though:

Lavender Stress N. Worry Wynter.

There ya go. XD

But Bitworks’ got a point. Every time I hear someone I know on Facebook, Tumblr, or Twitter is sick, I want to mail him/her this giant fruit basket, although I think only a few of them would eat it. Too many pizza (and meat) lovers to actually want fruit, methinks. I’m not all too sure about the vegetarian ones, but I suppose even vegetarians can be picky about fruit. *chuckles*

That was really awful humor.

I’ve somehow unlearned humor in the last 3 months. Not sure how that happened, but it did. I blame it on a few factors, actually.

  1. Donald Trump is running for president.
  2. Hillary Clinton isn’t behind bars, and she’s running for president.
  3. Who the fuck let Sarah Palin out of the looney bin again?
  4. I’m not sure what Bernie Sanders is smoking, but I think it should be banned.
  5. Ted Cruz makes me grind my teeth, and that’s absolutely horrible for my dental visits.
  6. USAF used to have smart people running it. When the fuck did they drop the ‘intelligent’ requirement?

Do not ask me to clarify anything. I’ll give myself an ulcer on a rant that I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear. 🙂

FYI, I don’t read the news, yet I still manage to hear news about these people. Probably because Bitworks does, and I have to ask every time he head bangs the dining table. *grimace* It’s a miracle the man hasn’t knocked over his coffee by accident. *chuckle* He probably has it perfected into an art… the not-knocking-over-coffee skill.

The most enjoyable news I’ve heard ALL YEAR is the 90th birthday celebration of Queen Elizabeth II. Happy Belated Birthday, Your Majesty. May the blessings to you and yours continue.

*extends a Swiffer cleaning pole* As for me… there’s the usual managing-husband thing (although lately it’s more the husband managing me) and the herding of kids. I mentioned previously that I was depressed. It still runs its course, but I’m happy to say that the good days are starting to outnumber the bad, which is… ’bout damn time, right? I think I’m climbing out of the pit as the weather warms.

Next thing on the list to kick my ass? Allergies. Yay, Spring.

My love for winter is still strong as always, but this past season had been difficult. I had a hard time dealing with the cold, and even when it was far from freezing, my limbs felt lethargic and cold, which was highly unusual. I didn’t wear my cashmere sweater more than five times last year, but this year, I had it on me pretty much even before the temperatures dipped and didn’t stop wearing it until the weather climbed into the 40s. That worried Bitworks.

Me… who wears shorts in 30 degree weather (Fahrenheit. In Celcius, that’s -1 to 1) to take a stroll up to the mailbox and back was in fleece-lined sweat pants and double-layer coats for the same walk this past winter.

I really wasn’t feeling well. Due to this – and the doctor couldn’t find anything, I had to cut my voluntary job as a reviewer over at Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words.

Probably just the stress. That was most people’s theory.

Aside from Husband and Kids, every available minute is dumped into writing. I barely check social media (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr). Right now, I’ve got three stories going:

 

  • Bleach x Jujironkirin Novel-length fanfic. (There are 3 versions of this, at 40k words each, as I continue to juggle the task of creating characters.)
  • Bleach – Kisuke x Byakuya fanfic, part 2, that is a continuation of “An Unexpected Encounter” that will, hopefully, lead me to the story I’ve been putting together where Byakuya and Hisana cross paths once more after the whole Thousand Year Blood War Arc finishes as I need to know the people still left standing. (Word count currently sitting at 5k.)
  • Bleach – Kisuke x Yoruichi fanfic that takes place after Aizen’s Winter War. However, this one might merge with the first fanfic on this list. We’ll see. (Current word count, 8900 words.)

 

I’m also drawing out Closet Souls Chronicles Book 2 – Ash and Callie in preparation for November’s National Novel Writing Month that I was forced to skip last year due to the hectic schedule. This one is going to be as big of a task as the Bleach x Jujironokirin fanfic… if not bigger. It probably will be, knowing me.

So there it is, what I’ve been up to. I’m not typically this obsessed with my writing life, but I got only one fanfic and one original written in 2015 (a novelette at that). I didn’t like that, and I’m sure somewhere in here is me trying too hard to compensate for lost time, but I need it. I’m losing myself in my head from it being so cluttered.

I hope all of you are doing well in 2016. It’s a tough year. I have a feeling it’s going to get tougher. Hang in there. If you need anything, I’m always reachable by email!

Much love & Welcome to Spring!

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A Novelette: “Misguided Chains”

Hello there dear friends and followers,

I came by an interesting young man about a year and a half ago. Shortly after I started following his Tumblr blog, Tumblr deleted it. I wrote a rant that eventually got discovered by a follower and friend of his. As the days passed, I came to learn of his email I remember not where, and sent him a note that wished him the best wherever he was headed. He wasn’t planning on coming back.

But he did, thankfully, and sent me a message that made me smile. His Tumblr content is definitely not for minors (hence why it is not being linked here), and some of those pictures and captions have me quirking eyebrows and laughing. There was one thing about this young man that really struck me, and that was the number of questions he gets that he answers honestly and as directly as he can. He never claim to be “the word” on anything, but he will offer his perspective. The greatest thing about this young man is how strongly he stood for a healthy BDSM relationship.

As I learn the ropes to celebrating Thanksgiving in 2014, I got struck with the idea of writing this young man a short story based on his Q&A. When Fifty Shades of Grey was scheduled to come out on Valentine’s Day in 2015, I thought it would also serve as a good retaliation effort against it as well. Unfortunately, 2015 tried to eat me alive without my permission (and didn’t even have the decency of giving me safe words so I can breathe when I need to, the nerve of life!).

Then Tumblr did it again: deleted this particular voice in the crowd, for whatever reason. I hated myself and heavily regretted for making the time to complete this project when I had the chance.

When he came back for the 3rd time, I figured the number’s the charm, right? This story was making it in time for Christmas Eve, come hell or high water.

I know this particular individual in the beginning as YouthfulDominance. When he returned, he came back as BlissfulDominance. Today, we know him as TemptingDominance.

While this young man inspired this story, it’s not about him. For those of you who might know who he is in real life, any similarities is completely coincidental, except for the height of Benjamin. Benjamin is tall because TemptingDominance is tall. 😉

So, for you, Young Sir, to thank you for all you do, I present “Misguided Chains” (Link below the line).

Before I actually offer up the link, I want to give my deepest and most sincere and grateful thanks to “flashdoggy” who Beta-Read for me. Thank you, my friend, for finding the time to give me a hand in the middle of your crazy-busy schedule. I appreciate your help immensely.


MISGUIDED CHAINS – A Novelette

Rating: PG-13

Warning(s): Language; Discussion about abuse; BDSM; M/M; Nudity.

Word Count: ± 17,500 words

Summary:

Benjamin is a successful project manager that worked in the cutting edge industry of self-contained energy. An experience Dominant who has a rule for just about everything he does in kink, he stumbles across a new Submissive in the middle of a potentially fatal BDSM scene one winter night who rattles his rules like Benjamin’s never experienced before.

Keith is a graduate student attending University of Texas at San Antonio. In hopes of learning about BDSM and himself, he pairs up with another experienced Dominant man who was more than he had bargained for. When he was rescued from a potentially fatal experience one night, Keith must figure out where it is he wants to go. Before that can happen, however, he’s got much to learn in the area of kink.


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

There Be Fanfic!

In the world of Bleach, titled “An Unexpected Encounter.” It is m/m for those readers who don’t particularly care for that kind of stuff and sits around 5,500 words. It doesn’t have smut, rated (by me) at a PG-13. Characters involved are: Urahara Kisuke & Kuchiki Byakuya.

Personally, I don’t think it worked, but someone else might think it did… right? 😦

Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten my OTP (One-True-Pair). I keep thinking about them (Yoruichi x Kisuke) but until some of these little feather ideas takes a biting hold, I’m still sitting on idea after idea. They’ll come to be, one day, I promise.

This one is a bit of a stand-alone in my world of stories, but not totally. Everything I write about Urahara Kisuke is my version of him, and there’s something about this man that makes him so versatile, it’s too fun. My favorite character.

It might be his genius intellect, but seeing that I’m not that smart, I wouldn’t know how to utilize it as much as I think it should be.

I’ve been itching to get back into the world of Bleach for a long time this year, but the mood came and went rather frequently. A lot of little drabbles got started with the intent on making them into a full story, but none of them survived the 72-hour stare-fest thus far. Don’t worry, the notes are there. These things usually takes some time to manifest in my head. When it does, though, that’s when you’ll find me active on my Tumblr Blog during the wee-hours of the night where I should, theoretically, be sleeping. XD

Although in the midst of editing “An Unexpected Encounter,” I saw something I wrote that I didn’t realize meant something and it’s led to a re-reading of the first few volumes of the series as I try to hammer down the details. Until I get the rest of the series delivered to me in October, it’s just note taking right now and hashing out a personal time line. Last thing I need is to look like a buffoon who forgot details. XD

Yes, it is – at this point anyway – Kisuke and Yoruichi centric plus a few more characters.

As for Book 2 of the Original Fiction section, it’s taken a hiatus. I just haven’t had time this year to work on it.

If anybody else would like to read a story of a different character, please do send me a note. It can be in the comments or even in my email. I can’t promise I’ll do a spectacular job of it, but I promise I can try my best! 🙂

Hope all of you are well-rested at the start of this new week! August comes to and end today. September is here tomorrow. That means, hopefully, cooler weather is on its way soon.

By golly, I need cooler weather. XD

Much love from Yours Truly! ❤

~Wynter

Describing Depression: A Ship’s Analogy

6:00 am…

It’s Saturday, and the first thing that crossed my mind when I opened my eyes somewhere around 5:30am is disappointment. I wasn’t sleeping the sleep of forever.

*deeps breath*

Instead of regaling you with my depressive thoughts, I want to take a moment to explain depression while it’s striking me here and hard at this time. I’ve tried to do this a number of times, but the words wouldn’t come.

It’s always easiest to describe something while I’m in the middle of it.

Depression.

There are different levels of depression. It ranges from feeling “gray” regardless of the environment or events around a person to actively attempting suicide or, in my case, disappointed that when I closed my eyes the night before, I’ve come to open them again.

If your first notion as you read this post is to open up a message box to me to remind me of how you’re there and love me, that you’re all there for me, keep reading. There’s no need for that level of desperation. I already know all you can say, and possibly even more. ❤

If I have to describe my depression right now, I’ll have to give you a scenario of what a good day looks like to me. First and foremost, I have to apologize to a lot of seafarers and people who live by the sea, use the sea, and basically live with the sea.

Let’s pretend that I’m a ship/boat/large vessel on the vast ocean that is following a coastline from destination A to B.

Good days are when the skies are blue, cotton like clouds in the sky, and I can basically see as far as the curve of the globe makes the horizon dip against the ocean line. In the distance is the shore, and on top of that shore is a lighthouse.

That lighthouse is where all the people who mean a lot to me are. The candles they hold to illuminate the darkness lights up that lighthouse. That’s the place I look to when the seas are stormy and the sky isn’t bright and blue.

Depression would be the type of storms that can meander through. Some days, there aren’t any storms. Other days, it could be a light drizzle, or a persistent one. Other days, a tropical dip may come in. Hurricanes. Typhoons. Monsoons. Tsunamis. The list goes on.

Which means the visibility of that lighthouse is dependent upon how light or heavy the storm is. Right now, the storm is heavy enough to limit visibility to no more than 10 feet. The oceans are tossing me up, down, left, right, and like every Captain of every sea vessel, one hopes that the anchor – signifying everything that me as a person would have in my arsenal to keep me afloat – would hold.

I can’t see the lighthouse.

I may or may not sound the horn of my distress.

And this, dear readers, is what it may look like from the lighthouse’s perspective.

Friends can see that storm as well as I can because they know me. They know those storms as depression, and the well-versed ones will usually be on the lookout – like a master interpreting the signs at the horizon to know what kind of storm is brewing.

They’re listening for the horn of distress when the storm has hit… and continues to hit. Because just as I can’t see them, they can’t see me. It is always more difficult seeing from the light into the darkness. It’s like having the sun in one’s face, if I can describe it as such. They don’t really know what condition that I might be in through the depression.

So when I hit that horn of distress, they try to answer.

They light every candle they can find. Some of them try to figure out what kind of giant bonfire could be executed to make that small flame more visible in the howling winds, the pouring rain, and the turbulent seas.

Friends and the people who mean a lot to us are the proverbial light in the darkness.

Only depression’s darkness isn’t still. It’s not like standing in a dark room without light. Depression is like the hell storms that take a coast, that make people bunker down and stock up or pack the family into a vehicle and travel to a safer location.

People like to say “You’re not alone.” They also like to say, “Remember those who love you.”

I understand I’m not alone. I also know there are those who love me and will be horrendously saddened by my departure – if my ship was to sink, if I was to sink beneath the ocean waves. I would be lost, and it would be incredibly selfish of me to think “It’s because nobody cared in the first place.” However, those thoughts will emerge 9 times out of 10.

That is the depression – the storm – talking. The storm wouldn’t care about me, and it’ll make me think that because of its veracity, no one can come help me. That’s what fuels the thought that people didn’t care. I was alone.

A part of that is obviously false. Another part of it is true. I also believe that it is from the understanding of this that I’ve managed to turn, time and time again, back to the people I know who cared about me. It stays the hand holding the blade. It stays the hand holding the bottle of pills. It stays the hand that is determined to cause self-harm and self-demise.

It is because I understood that at a certain point of my depression, I am very much alone… But…

I am not abandoned.

That’s the difference.

Those who love me are there, but I can’t see them except for a random flicker or an errant, more powerful ray of light before the storms veiled the lighthouse again.

This part of depression, the part that often determines whether one lives or one dies by one’s own hand, is the most terrifying part of all. Sometimes we have drugs – like the passing of a storm – for things to settle back down. At that point we are able to reassess where we are, see the damages, and repair if possible. We can see the rays of light from the lighthouse pushing through the rain and the darkness for us to reset a course and find our way back to the ones we love and care about us, to mend the other parts we couldn’t fix ourselves…

Like a ship going back to port for needed repairs after a storm.

Not everyone has access to medication. Whether it’s because there was never an official diagnosis – due to lack of affordability or time, or one simply couldn’t afford the drugs…

Some of us simply had bad experiences and never gathered enough strength to begin again with someone new.

As for me, I’m like that ship caught through 2 storms, back-to-back, and I’m fighting it in hopes that the storm will break soon. It may. It may not.

But I hope this has given some of you a little bit of extra insight to what depression may really feel like from the POV of the person going through it.

~*~

Until next time, Wynter.

“Undisclosed Conversation” is…

Finished. All 17 chapters.

There’s a gynormous small part of me that wanted to take it all down, tear it apart, and rewrite the 1st half of the story. It nearly happened, but I chose not to for this reason: I wanted to know just how far I’ve walked when I finally turn to look back five years from now. Every milestone, every effort, and every little improvement I see myself making is another little stone in the bucket of encouragement.

And I, of all people, need a boat load of encouragement. 😛

This project had been monumental for me – empire state building sized. I didn’t just write a short story, a one shot, or a fanfic. This is a novel, no less than 50,000 words long, the meat of it written during National Novel Writing Month of 2014 (NaNoWriMo), and has my own original characters in them.

And it was written for Bitworks, the man who refused to give up on me when I wanted to give up on myself.

This was the first step of many destinations I had set out to find when I declared “Creative Writing” as a concentration for my English degree. The road had been long, ridiculously winding, almost vertical in some spots, and I honestly believed I would never get here.

The link to the full Undisclosed Conversation is HERE, and all disclaimers…

  1. The Whole Book was beta-read by the awesome BITWORKS!
  2. Chapter extras are not beta-read.
  3. All mistakes belong to me (to have and to hold until death do us part).
  4. Please do not steal. My writing isn’t that good. Trust me on this.

… apply still, ‘mkay? I do hope you enjoy. As always, feedback is welcome. ❤

*   *   *

If you have ventured back here for the story I had originally posted, I took it down because I had accidentally flipped some of the sequences backwards.

Do not fret. I’m making a full post about it soon instead of in parts.

With ❤

~ Lavender Wynter